Time Traveler

[lyricalechoes]

A grey-haired man in his sixties places a slice of pizza on the table. A little girl, likely his granddaughter, sits down to eat with him. She looks to be four or five, with flaming hair and a happy smile. He sits too and seriously pulls out hand sanitizer, gently wiping it onto her hands.

She complains that the bench is too hard to sit on. He snuggles her onto his lap. Dreams that were and dream that will be are frozen in time as their hair mingles. She is beautiful. He is loving. She will grow up with him in her life.


I think of my grandpa. I remember how he groaned and cried out in pain the last time I saw him. He was half-asleep and the nurses had called me in to try to calm him. They had to change his diaper and he was hitting them, caught in that twilight zone between harsh reality and dreams. He kept yelling, "Let me off! I want to get off this train. You're hurting me!"

I wish I could let him off. I wish I could release him from his earthly pain, the rashes, the Parkinson's, all the hurts of old age that does not die, will not die. At the same time, I want to sit and hold his hand and never, ever let go. When he's awake, he still has a tender smile. He wants off the train but I selfishly want to keep him here, for me.


The grey grandpa is wiping pizza sauce off his granddaughter's face. I want to weep. Does she savor his gentleness? Does she value the way he can control his hands? They do not tremble or falter. He is strong for her and she accepts it with a smile.

"Another bite?" he prompts her.


I suppress my urge to run over. I want to say, to both of them, "Treasure this moment! One day you will miss each other so bad it hurts. Please, enjoy every drop of today!"

But they chew pizza and split a drink. She giggles when he tickles her. I will not disturb their quiet joy with knowledge of their futures.

Comments

[pricelessone.livejournal.com]

Powerful. I love it.

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

It is special to me.

This is one of those "just happened." I saw these two at Costco and I was thinking about my grandpa. Somehow, the seeing and remembering was all woven together in my mind.

Thanks for commenting!

[amazingwriter23.livejournal.com]

This is beautiful and bittersweet. Makes me think of my girls and the PaPa they just lost in June, my dad who passed in 1996, when Kid's were too small but did have some vacation fun with him, and my birthfather, who wastes his time and ignores his 8 grandkids because he'd rather sit and smoke in front of the TV. I do like this.
AW

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

I hope I didn't make you too sad. It also made me think some of my father-in-law who died in 2005. My son just loved him and my oldest daughter had some good times with him but he died before my youngest was born. I just know they would have loved each other.

My parents mostly ignore my kids too..except to criticize them. I wish they could love like these two who I saw in Costco.

[wyliekat.livejournal.com]

Aw what a lovely post. And so well pointed out. I was lucky to have had some positive grandfatherly role models in my youth, though neither one was biologically "mine". However, I think I'd have given my eye teeth to have a memory like the one you describe here.

Really sweet.

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

I wish I had valued my grandpa more while...basically, while he was still himself.

He is very affected by Parkinson's. His memory is going.

And I have always lived rather far from my grandpa. I only saw him every 2-3 years as a child. He lived overseas for 40 years.

But I loved him. And knowing he is...that this is very close to the end for him is hard.

I am very glad you had positive grandpa-like men in your life. I always hope that, if nothing else, I can be a rather present good grandma someday:)

[wyliekat.livejournal.com]

I always hope that, if nothing else, I can be a rather present good grandma someday:)

You took the words right out of my mind.

And I'm sorry your grandfather is suffering.

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

I wish he wasn't.

He will be 86 on Valentine's Day.

There isn't much to be done, really. I think they are giving him some pain meds now but it's hard to get the dose just right. He's "on hospice" but...it's a fine line. He "manages" to make it (stay alive) but, in a way ... in a way, I think he wants to go. He said to my aunt recently, "I will get better won't I?" She replied, "Well, the sores should get better but ... you know the Parkinson's won't go away really. You might get stronger though." I think he was very disappointed at the answer.

Modern medicine keeps him alive but, mostly, he seems very unhappy. I guess this is how life can be at the end. I feel bad but, in a way, there is nothing to be done. They still treat his chronic infections. He still makes it, painful day by painful day.

And we are all torn. We want to keep him, on one hand but on the other hand...it seems he..wants to go.

(I'm not sure that makes sense)

[wyliekat.livejournal.com]

No, it makes perfect sense. I don't think we're programmed as humans to view death as a benefit, so when we can actually see that it would be better for someone to be at peace than to continue living, we don't know how to relate to it. It's like wishing someone dead, something you never do, right?

Except that's not what you're wishing. You're wishing that he wouldn't suffer. Two very different animals, but hard to separate in ones' mind.

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

Exactly this :nodding: I had to face this quandry with my mother.

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you had to go through this, xo_kizzy:(

It's very hard.

::hugs:: I wish I had more to offer!

[neanahe.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry your grandfather is suffering. Grief is the price we pay for having love in our lives. You will survive the grief, and one day savor the sweetness of the memories you have of him when he was still himself and not in pain.

*hugs*

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

I wish we had had more memories. I only saw him every 2-3 years when I was a child.

He is a sweet man. I wish he could still be.."himself" but such is life, I guess.

[basric.livejournal.com]

Lovely, touches the heart.

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it!

[shadowwolf13]

Aw ... reminds me of my Grandad too. :'(

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

Your granddad must have been special.

::hugs::

[shadowwolf13]

Yes he was. :)

Thank you for reminding me to remember. *hugs*

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

I'm glad there are happy memories for you to reflect on:)

[phoenixejc.livejournal.com]

Now I'm all weepy!
Wonderfully written!

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your comment.

Seeing the little girl and her grandpa at Costco made me want to cry. Such happiness.

We rarely fully treasure what we have. But it was very nice to see them and know that somewhere grandpas are still happy.

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

This was beauty and pain all rolled into one. Nice job.

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

That is life isn't it? Beauty and pain rolled together.

Thanks for commenting. When will your new treadmill come in?:)

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

Not sure. They said seven to ten business days.

[faerie-spark.livejournal.com]

Such raw emotion! Excellently wrought.

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I am glad it wove together understandably. I couldn't stop thinking of my grandpa while I watched that little girl and HER grandpa in Costco.

I appreciate your comment!:)

[lawchicky.livejournal.com]

My own grandpa is recovering from pneumonia this week, so this really hit home!

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

I do hope he make a complete recovery!!

[mstrobel.livejournal.com]

Beautiful.

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

Thank you. The little girl was beautiful. Her hair was a like a dancing flame. But more than that, seeing them enjoying each other was just lovely.

It's the little moments that we treasure most sometimes.

[mstrobel.livejournal.com]

Agreed :) Little, easy, cozy things are worth so much more than big extravaganzas.

[hammaboo.livejournal.com]

This was wonderful.

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

Seeing the little girl and her grandpa in Costco was...in a way it made me miss my grandpa more but, at the same time, it made me see how life goes on. There are other little girls who still get to enjoy "younger" grandpas.

I appreciate your comment:)

[so-small.livejournal.com]

This was so beautiful and bittersweet.

*sends positive thoughts to you and your family*

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

I greatly appreciate it!:)

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

I love watching grandparents with grandchildren. There's just something so intangible and precious about it, and you've captured that perfectly :)

Sadly, I never really knew either of my grandmothers -- they both passed when I was little. My grandfathers had been gone for years before I was born.

[similiesslip.livejournal.com]

I don't remember my other (now deceased) grandpa before he got Alzheimer's. The way I remember him, he didn't know who I was and got irritated with having kids around. I wish I remember what he (apparently) was like before he changed.

My Grandpa I mention in this entry lived overseas for 40 years so I only saw him every 2-3 years. He now lives in Kansas City, many states away from me. But I am glad I somewhat got to know him. Today is his 86th birthday. I wish I could have been there.

I'm sorry you don't have memories of your grandparents. Perhaps you will be a grandparent one day yourself?

My two daughters do not remember one of their grandpas at all. My older daughter was less than 2 when he passed and my youngest daughter was born 2 days before the first anniversary of his death.

Like I said, I never lived close by to any of my grandparents. So, for me, it is a special delight to watch my kids with my mother-in-law. My parents are kind of nearby but they seem to rather find fault with my kids. My mom-in-law just loves them. I love that they truly know her...often, as I never really knew my grandparents.

I don't know your age or family circumstances but I hope you one day get to experience that "grandparent" love on the giving end, if not the receiving end. Plenty of kids live far away from grandparents and probably would not mind adopting one:)

Thanks for your comment!

[xo-kizzy-xo.livejournal.com]

I don't have children (too late), so I'm never going to be a grandparent. My mother knew she'd never be a grandmother...she never said anything about it until her last moments of clarity before the dementia overtook her entire brain.

My in-laws try to be very close to their grandchildren. Thing is, once the kids reach, oh, maybe upper elementary school age, they lose interest. They really spend more time with them when they're small.

I vaguely remember my maternal grandma more than my paternal, only because she lived closer to us and I'd spend the weekend at her house every so often. But even then my memory is quite fuzzy. I think I was 6 or 7 when she passed. I saw my paternal grandma maybe twice a year (she lived in a neighboring state with my aunt). She passed when I was 8 or 9.

I wouldn't mind being adopted. Just wish I knew more little kids.

[pixie117.livejournal.com]

Wow. This is very powerful and heart wrenching. A tad bit chilling to when you really think about it. Well done.

[nishi-kaze.livejournal.com]

Sad and powerful. Makes me think of my grandmother, actually.