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Current Sexual Ethics
Jan. 26th, 2010 06:27 pmWelcome to this week's edition of "Current Sexual Ethics With Dr. Jeff."
Dear Dr. Jeff,
J., that big-chinned bastard stole my audience and you know how it is, man? Some people just PERFORM (and I do mean perform) better with an audience, I mean, after an audience. Why else do you think Letterman kept all those interns around?
Me, I can live without a woman reciting her top ten reasons she agreed to fuck me every time I get my microphone out but, since the show ended, I realize I need applause. How exactly do I approach the idea of starting our private show with a viewing? Do you think she'd be open to (or would open up for me during) the use of DVDs as a prelude to sex? It wouldn't be porn but just to hear a tape of applause, to hear them yell my name a few times, that would finally sharpen my microphone again. I want to know the audience is imagining me naked, dreaming of my body and screaming my name.
How do I warm up the wife to the idea of an opening act, a DVD starring me?
Now, not only did J. get my show, my wife said the other day she bets J's chin comes in handy when his mouth goes down South. What can I do, do I need a chin extender? Can you get those at sex shops?
I need your help, man. I promised nudity in my goodbye speech, but I can't do it without a stiff microphone.
No Show, Even in Bed!
C.O.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/01/22/conan.obrien.tonight.show/index.html
Dear CO… or, should I call you COCO?
First, the facts. Public humiliation is not good for the sex life, unless you’re really into that sort of thing. I feel for you, truly. I mean, geez, even Letterman is getting laid. What could be more humiliating than that? Gives a whole new meaning to “turning the pages.” (Oh, wait, they were interns, not pages. I’m out of good intern jokes. Mea culpa.)
Rumor has it that when Carson took over the Tonight Show, Jack Paar found it more and more difficult to find satiation, eventually resorting to furtive trips to Tijuana for donkey shows and worse. Bear in mind that this was in the early 60s, when a fellow could cross the border, take in an animal act, get a good plate of enchiladas and be home with change left on a twenty… but still. You get the idea. Desperate measures. Oh, and Paar is quoted as saying that he could no longer “handle the load.” I’ll leave it to you to find the wisdom in that sentence.
Those are the facts, Coco, now here’s the advice. If I were you, I’d be checking the driveway for motorcycle oil spots. Anyone who steals an entire television show wouldn’t think twice about stealing your wife.
A “friend” tells me that the applause tracks from Nirvana’s Unplugged album are just the right length for foreplay. The rest is up to you. Whatever you do, don’t use the live version of “Free Bird”… unless you want your mojo consistently interrupted by “WHAT SONG IS IT YOU WANT TO HEAR?”
And, from all of us… even though you promised you’d do nudity? Don’t.
Dr. Jeff
Dear Dr. Jeff,
I have power and plan to add therapeutic massage into the health care bill. Being the attractive man that I am, of course, I would never have to consult these types of professionals. Yet, for the sake of my voters, I want to include that this national insurance will cover all therapeutic massages but only if they include happy endings.
How do I phrase this to insure this great outlet is available to every Tom and Dick, especially every Dick no matter how Hairy? I totally think including this form of therapy will insure the safe passage of my fast swimming long-tailed bill swiftly through the senate.
Can't you just see our country: the bliss and the love when life, liberty and the pursuit of happy endings are funded by good old Uncle Pimp, I mean Sam? I bet crime will go way down, and sex on TV might even get constrained enough for the Republicans. I mean, who wants to watch it if you doctor insists you receive it, twice a week and you have the prescription to prove it? Whose wife would argue with a doctor?
Committed to Relieving the Loads of Joe Q. Citizen,
M. Baucus
To read Dr. Jeff's reply and for another letter:
http://drjeff.livejournal.com/1998209.html
(Bold words Author: DrippedOnPaper
Italic Words Author: LJ User DrJeff)
Dear Dr. Jeff,
J., that big-chinned bastard stole my audience and you know how it is, man? Some people just PERFORM (and I do mean perform) better with an audience, I mean, after an audience. Why else do you think Letterman kept all those interns around?
Me, I can live without a woman reciting her top ten reasons she agreed to fuck me every time I get my microphone out but, since the show ended, I realize I need applause. How exactly do I approach the idea of starting our private show with a viewing? Do you think she'd be open to (or would open up for me during) the use of DVDs as a prelude to sex? It wouldn't be porn but just to hear a tape of applause, to hear them yell my name a few times, that would finally sharpen my microphone again. I want to know the audience is imagining me naked, dreaming of my body and screaming my name.
How do I warm up the wife to the idea of an opening act, a DVD starring me?
Now, not only did J. get my show, my wife said the other day she bets J's chin comes in handy when his mouth goes down South. What can I do, do I need a chin extender? Can you get those at sex shops?
I need your help, man. I promised nudity in my goodbye speech, but I can't do it without a stiff microphone.
No Show, Even in Bed!
C.O.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/01/22/conan.obrien.tonight.show/index.html
Dear CO… or, should I call you COCO?
First, the facts. Public humiliation is not good for the sex life, unless you’re really into that sort of thing. I feel for you, truly. I mean, geez, even Letterman is getting laid. What could be more humiliating than that? Gives a whole new meaning to “turning the pages.” (Oh, wait, they were interns, not pages. I’m out of good intern jokes. Mea culpa.)
Rumor has it that when Carson took over the Tonight Show, Jack Paar found it more and more difficult to find satiation, eventually resorting to furtive trips to Tijuana for donkey shows and worse. Bear in mind that this was in the early 60s, when a fellow could cross the border, take in an animal act, get a good plate of enchiladas and be home with change left on a twenty… but still. You get the idea. Desperate measures. Oh, and Paar is quoted as saying that he could no longer “handle the load.” I’ll leave it to you to find the wisdom in that sentence.
Those are the facts, Coco, now here’s the advice. If I were you, I’d be checking the driveway for motorcycle oil spots. Anyone who steals an entire television show wouldn’t think twice about stealing your wife.
A “friend” tells me that the applause tracks from Nirvana’s Unplugged album are just the right length for foreplay. The rest is up to you. Whatever you do, don’t use the live version of “Free Bird”… unless you want your mojo consistently interrupted by “WHAT SONG IS IT YOU WANT TO HEAR?”
And, from all of us… even though you promised you’d do nudity? Don’t.
Dr. Jeff
Dear Dr. Jeff,
I have power and plan to add therapeutic massage into the health care bill. Being the attractive man that I am, of course, I would never have to consult these types of professionals. Yet, for the sake of my voters, I want to include that this national insurance will cover all therapeutic massages but only if they include happy endings.
How do I phrase this to insure this great outlet is available to every Tom and Dick, especially every Dick no matter how Hairy? I totally think including this form of therapy will insure the safe passage of my fast swimming long-tailed bill swiftly through the senate.
Can't you just see our country: the bliss and the love when life, liberty and the pursuit of happy endings are funded by good old Uncle Pimp, I mean Sam? I bet crime will go way down, and sex on TV might even get constrained enough for the Republicans. I mean, who wants to watch it if you doctor insists you receive it, twice a week and you have the prescription to prove it? Whose wife would argue with a doctor?
Committed to Relieving the Loads of Joe Q. Citizen,
M. Baucus
To read Dr. Jeff's reply and for another letter:
http://drjeff.livejournal.com/1998209.html
(Bold words Author: DrippedOnPaper
Italic Words Author: LJ User DrJeff)
